Love is cultivated with small details but withers in the absence of them

Having a healthy and loving bond is the ideal of many people, not only in matters of the heart but also family and friendship. What to do to cultivate it?

Last update: 28 January, 2022

Love is cultivated with every little positive action we decide to have with the other. It does not matter if it is a relationship, family or friendship. The truth is when you act from affection and respect, love grows and reproduces.

If, on the other hand, the details are absent and only crumbs of positive gestures remain, love withers. And it is that when there is no love in a close bond, it is very likely that it will become something toxic. We see it in this type of love relationships where what is least present is love, normalizing mistreatment and increasingly limiting the possibility of repair.

Not everything happens in the same way, because just as sometimes everything seems to wither, there will always be the possibility of changing and betting on affection. Seeing a happy and long-lasting relationship, people wonder how they managed to stay together. John and Julie Gottman have investigated this, and we will show you their results.

Love is cultivated with small positive actions

For those who wonder how healthy love relationships are maintained over time, the answer is simple: each one made efforts and put love above all. It is not only necessary to keep the flame of passion alive, as they always mention, the most important thing is to take care of trust, friendship, communication and commitment.

Crucial tests to strengthen a relationship occur in the most complex moments. If there is a difficult situation, support is paramount, but so is the stability that we are able to form together with the other person. If the most complicated barriers are overcome with buffers of affection, empathy and support, then we are facing a bond where love is cultivated.

For the Gottmans, every detail counts in the construction of a healthy bond. In their investigations they have counted hundreds of couples and have collected a series of essential elements. It remains to ask specifically what are those elements that make a love last and work. We point it out below:

  • Admiration and mutual respect within the relationship.
  • Transparent, sincere communication and without the intention of causing damage when expressing oneself.
  • The show of affection.
  • The trust full in the other and intimacy.
  • Emotional intelligence to express yourself and know how to handle what you feel.
  • Good conflict resolution ability.

How does love wither?

According to John and Julie Gottman, there are contrary factors that do not allow love to have a good outcome. The researchers decided to name it the Four horsemen of the apocalypse theory, and it has to do with the following:

  • To criticize At the couple, that is, to express something that causes annoyance or discomfort, emphasizing aspects that only despise the other. There are small and important differences between showing concern for something that the partner can improve, and being hurtful when expressing it. Either way, there is a simple solution to this based on proper communication of your emotions and what you need.
  • The contempt It’s one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse more aggressive in a relationship. Well, respect is conspicuous by its absence, mockery comes to light and sarcasm makes an appearance. Thus, barriers begin to be set within the relationship, but one way to solve it is to begin to create spaces of affection and positive values ​​with greater awareness.
  • be on the defensive it can be a common denominator in those moments of stagnation in the relationship. It seeks to justify everything and answers are given that nobody expects or wants. It is easier to admit mistakes, reach agreements to correct them and act in favor of improving the dynamics of the relationship.
  • Block the partner it is a behavior that is repeated in cases where a discussion causes more discomfort and ends up being overwhelming. What is done with the block is that the person stops talking completely and closes off from their partner by not reaching agreements. Before reaching this point, it would be best to calm down by taking 20 minutes to continue the conversation afterwards.

It is clear that love is cultivated with understanding, respectful and empathic gestures. The essential thing to maintain a healthy and lasting relationship is to be aware of your emotions, how important that person is and what you need. In this way the effective communication It will be your best ally.

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