Why do you feel resentment towards your partner and how do you overcome it?

The resentment towards the partner is an emotion that can appear due to different circumstances. How can it be solved? In this article we will delve into it.

Reviewed and approved by the psychologist Elena Sanz on November 20, 2021.

Last update: November 20, 2021

It may seem like something incomprehensible, but feeling resentment towards the partner is not so strange. We must bear in mind that it is a natural feeling that appears when we notice that the other person has offended or hurt us. If it is not resolved, it can harm us.

Relationships are important. However, not always everything runs smoothly.

Sometimes conflicts and tensions arise that are to be expected and that should not make us think that something is wrong. Nevertheless, they should be solved as soon as possible.

Why can resentment towards the partner appear? Because it has violated one of the values ​​on which the relationship was based or because it has offended us in some way. For example, lying to us or being unfaithful.

How does the resentment towards the partner appear?

If we unravel the feeling of resentment we will discover that behind him is a deep rage that is not being managed well. In fact, the Royal Spanish Academy (RAE) defines it as a “Ingrained and stubborn resentment”. This means that it will not be easy for us to get rid of it.

That resentment surfaces after being hurt because it is our way of protecting ourselves against the next attacks of the person we love so much. However, it must be momentary and should be solved soon.

In what circumstances can resentment towards the partner appear? We have presented some examples before, but there are many situations that can cause this feeling:

  • Not saying or expressing what we feel: the lack of assertiveness is a big problem in couple relationships, especially when we pretend that the other guess what we want. Rancor may appear, but the problem is communication.
  • Feeling insecure about low self-esteem: This can cause us to ask our partner for continuous displays of love or that we interpret each decision as bad.
  • Psychological or physical abuseAccording to the latest data from the National Institute of Statistics (INE), the number of victims of domestic violence grew by 8.2%.
  • Physical or virtual infidelity: infidelity undermines one of the pillars that the vast majority of relationships have, so it is normal for resentment to appear in these circumstances.
Grudge has many origins. It is key to identify the cause to work on it.


Signs and behaviors of resentment

How can we identify if we are feeling resentment towards our partner? One way is to detect specific signs and behaviors. For instance, neither forgive nor forget a fact that has been so painful.

Also the resentment towards the couple is in evidence when any circumstance is offensive to us. This is because we are in a very sensitive moment, due to the damage received. We are going to misinterpret every word.

Another of the signs that are manifested with resentment is the lack of trust in the other person. This is a very delicate situation, since if the partner is not trusted, our relationship is broken or about to do so.

Tips to overcome resentment towards your partner

Although there are several tips to overcome resentment towards your partner, we have decided to choose only a few; the ones we consider to be most important. In the event that there are difficulties in carrying them out or the situation is not resolved, it is essential to seek help as soon as possible. There are psychologists specialized in relationship problems for these cases.

Talk about what it feels like

Silence is never a great ally. Therefore, we must talk about emotions, even if it hurts and it is difficult to recognize that we feel resentment towards our partner.

We will have to delve into what has hurt us so much. Thus, our partner will also be able to understand what is happening and resolve the situation.



Take decisions

It is relevant that at a certain point we stop blaming the other person and, after sitting down to talk, we make decisions. You don’t have to do nothing, because this will end up rotting the relationship.

What decisions must be made? Go to therapy or not, improve communication in the couple, continue with the relationship or leave it.

There are moments to make decisions. Although they are painful, they can be the way to overcome the obstacle.

Seek professional help

Sometimes pain and resentment prevent us from seeing further. Because, seeking professional help also allows for a different point of view of the circumstances.

In addition, we can work on aspects such as self-esteem, analyze if the relationship is broken or if it is possible that, after all, it will be strengthened.

The resentment towards the partner could be an opportunity

Holding a grudge towards your partner can be a opportunity to work on aspects of ourselves and the relationship to reinforce it. Although everything will depend on the situations that have led us to feel that emotion, since some causes have only one end: the break.

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