Everything you need to know to lead a healthy parallel parenting

Faced with a divorce, doubts arise about what the raising of children will be like. Especially if you don’t want to talk to your ex again. For this there is an option: parallel breeding.

Reviewed and approved by the psychologist Elena Sanz on October 05, 2021.

Last update: 05 October, 2021

Ending a relationship when there are children involved requires a great effort from the father and mother for the well-being of the children. If the separation has been complicated and you don’t want to know anything about your ex-partner right away, you will have to face a healthy parallel upbringing.

It is used when the ability to communicate between parents has been broken. In turn, neither is willing to sacrifice the right to exercise paternity or maternity.

Those who are going through a similar situation should know that there are options to continue the bond. Find out here what it is about and what are the mechanisms that allow you to carry it out.

What is parallel parenting?

This shape is a parenting option that privileges the right of children to relate to their parents. Find a point of balance that allows adults to reach agreements without having to meet in person. Or, if necessary, do it in the shortest possible time and with the presence of third parties that serve to neutralize any unpleasant event.

The idea is that both the father and the mother can exercise their role in different spaces and without interference from the other. Thus, the interaction is reduced when it has ended in a bad way and they do not believe that they are capable of starting a conversation without generating a conflict.

Main differences between shared parenting and parallel parenting

Both upbringings respect and are framed in the legal terms approved in the 1989 Convention on the Rights of the Child, always in favor of their benefits. Although they have similar names, these methods can be distinguished because they have particular characteristics that we are going to explain to you.

Shared parenting

In shared parenting, parents manage to live together in harmony, despite being separated or divorced. Communication with children is not conditioned by third parties and a cordial and cooperative family relationship is maintained.

They can celebrate the children’s birthdays or other engagements together, such as schoolchildren. Generally speaking, they make for a smooth relationship. Only the couple’s love bond has been broken, but parents can even become friends.

Under this type of parenting, the children do not feel the tensions. Coming back and forth between one house and another becomes part of everyday life and they even get used to making decisions together.

The experience of divorce in a family with children should consider that the youngest have rights that exceed the situation of adults.

Parallel parenting

In parallel parenting, faced with the isolation of adults, Juvenile court intervention may be required that legally orders the rights and duties to be had over the children. It is a situation that requires compliance, depending on what the laws dictate. It is thought about protecting children and not harming their emotions.

One of its purposes is to avoid parental contact to reduce situations that trigger fights in front of the children. Not stressing them unnecessarily or due to the immaturity of the adult becomes a goal.

Parents will be able to make decisions in the shifts in which they are in charge of the children. They have a stipulated time for visits and schedules and calendars are also established depending on the school holidays and December. In the same way, the responsibilities that they will be in charge of during the week are divided.

At first and from the uncertainty of the new, it can seem like a very cold method of parenting. But in reality, it could be the only solution without causing deep wounds to the most vulnerable.

Tips for everything to go well

Parallel parenting is an exercise in love and tolerance. It is a gesture of maturity and solidarity that serves to show our children how much we care about them and what we are capable of doing for them.

Check out these tips if you think this is the way to achieve healthy communication:

  • Respect prior agreements and do not change your mind unexpectedly on a whim.
  • Do not speak ill of the mother or father in front of the children. This is so as not to generate confusing feelings that may interfere with their emotional development.
  • Maintain a channel of communication with the ex-partner to avoid physical contact and for strict parenting matters. It can be through voice memos or by mail if even the interaction of a phone call is not tolerated.
  • Do not make value judgments about the father or mother that seek to damage the moral image before their children.
  • Always plan depending on what is most beneficial for the children.
  • Create an activity plan and define the responsibilities of each one.
Legal intervention in these cases may be inescapable to protect the welfare of the children.


Parallel parenting requires balance

All the advice on parallel parenting that we have mentioned so far has been under the respectful approach. It is sought that both, father and mother, value the performance that each one has in front of their children.

Because the common interest that they still preserve and for which they will continue to watch over despite adversity, is the development and well-being of the youngest. And to achieve this, they know that they must do it together.

However, this effort to see happy children grow up does not mean hiding a bad performance from the parents. As painful as it may be, should one of you fail, make mistakes, or unreasonably distance yourself from your parenting commitments, the act should not be minimized.

Nor can the image of a father as responsible and selfless be overestimated or exaggerated, if deep down we know that he is not. Everything in its proper dimension.

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