Doubts in love: what happens to me?

Do you feel doubts in love? Today we reflect on this and give you some advice on what you can do to solve it.

Reviewed and approved by the psychologist Elena Sanz on November 27, 2021.

Last update: November 27, 2021

We have all ever had doubts in love. Cinema and society have idealized relationships in such a way that there seems to be no room for uncertainty, so it is normal to develop feelings of guilt, remorse and shame when you are not 100% comfortable with your relationship.

If you are going through an episode of this type, it is likely that you do not know how to act, or even that you cannot find the reasons why uncertainty has suddenly invaded you in what until recently was a stable relationship. In the next lines We explain the reasons behind doubts in love and what you can do about it.

Is it normal to have doubts in love?

Yes, having doubts in love is completely normal. We do not even hesitate to affirm that these are the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. For what reason? Very easy: it is through them that you rethink whether the relationship is worth it or not, if you feel comfortable, if you are happy and you also explore the feelings you profess towards your partner.

It is the same with jealousy. Being jealous is normal in a relationship, it all depends on the intensity with which you manifest it. On the contrary, if you develop pathological jealousy then it is very likely that it will destroy a relationship. In this sense, untimely doubts, far from being healthy, little by little gnaw at any couple relationship.

A study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin in 2001 found that insecurities are an incendiary spark for partner dissatisfaction. In general, couples who allow themselves to be consumed by doubts have a lower prognosis of continuing in the future or of feeling loved by their counterpart.

It all depends, as we have already explained, on the intensity and nature of your doubts. If you use them to reflect and they assault you at intervals of years or months that is fine. If, on the contrary, they are continuous and are beginning to affect the way you relate to your partner, it is an indication that you should not ignore. Doubts in love have many causes, we will talk about it in the next section.

Causes of doubts in love

Various current or past situations can generate annoying doubts that would put the stability of the relationship at risk.

The first association that you have made for sure is very obvious: you feel doubts in love because you are no longer in love. Simple, isn’t it? No, the truth is no. Of course you may have insecurities regarding your relationship for this reason, but there are also multiple parallel explanations.

This is why we have prepared a list of 7 reasons why you feel doubts in love. Review each of the sections and reflect objectively to see if they explain your insecurities. At the end, we will write down some things you can do to remedy them.

1. Trauma from past relationships

Researchers agree that trauma affects relationships in a variety of ways. They always leave a mark, one that can accompany you permanently in your next relationships.. They can be episodes of violence, pathological attachment, dependency, insecurities, infidelities and others.

Any type of traumatic situation in the past can manifest itself in the present, and it will manifest itself through doubts, insecurities and prejudices about the relationship. All this can be maintained even when there is no real justification, so it is a great condition for a stable relationship.

In addition to this, as experts and researchers point out, childhood trauma can also manifest itself in this way. Usually, any traumatic episode that you have lived in the past, whether in or out of a relationship, can prevent you from betting 100% on your partner.

2. Fear of commitment

The conscious or unconscious fear of commitment can be another explanation for your doubts in love. We do not refer here to commitment as the formal step before marriage, but as the decision to establish a stable, lasting and prosperous relationship.

This fear has various causes. For example, you value your independence very much, you do not see yourself in the future with a conventional family, you fear financial repercussions, you are not emotionally prepared and you may even have a pathological fear of falling in love (philophobia).

Running away from commitment in a relationship is completely legitimate, and in fact it is in tune with what is known as free love. It is convenient that you reflect on whether your doubts in love are nothing more than fears of commitment. Sometimes this is the answer, one that keeps you from building strong relationships.

3. Expectations regarding the objectives of the relationship

On the contrary, it is also possible that you have insecurities in your relationship because it does not pursue the same goals as you for life. In this sense, you fear that this discrepancy will play against you sooner or later; to the point where it is the main reason for a breakup.

For a relationship to be prosperous, it is very important that there are common goals. That is, shared goals that allow life to be directed in the same direction. When the goals are contradictory to each other, it is a problem that will surely lead to dissatisfaction.

An example of this is parenthood. If for you being a mother or father is a life goal, but for your partner it is not; it is natural that you feel doubts in love. This is a somewhat radical example, but it is also the most common that occurs in adulthood. Less transcendent goals and objectives can create the same sense of insecurity.

4. Loyalty issues

Other frequent causes of doubts in love are fidelity problems. This is a key component in any stable relationship, one that further exemplifies the commitment that exists in the side-by-side relationship. If your partner has been unfaithful, you fear that he is unfaithful or on the contrary these accusations have fallen on you, it is natural that you feel doubts.

You can never be 100% sure of the fidelity of your partner. A relationship is based on trust, so that in the face of its absence it is impossible to build something solid. Forgiving an infidelity is not an easy thing, but keep in mind that one thing is infidelity real and another the afraid for your partner to be unfaithful to you.

We note this because it is very common for a person to have a constant suspicion that their partner is not being faithful. Sometimes it does so based on evidence, in others it is completely unjustified. If this is your case, you should reflect on it, since this fear or suspicion in no way will help you feel comfortable with your partner.

5. The passion is over

Monotony or the simple fact of knowing the other person better can lead to disappointment in a love relationship.

As we have pointed out at the beginning, the most natural thing when experiencing doubts in love is because love is over. Does love have an expiration date? Yes and no. From a neurochemical point of view, the hormones that the brain secretes at the beginning of the relationship are different from those produced a few months later.

The former give you a feeling of ecstasy, happiness, and fury; while the latter are more related to attachment and trust. In any case, your feelings and emotions towards your partner evolve; they do not remain static.

This increases more when the moments of passion diminish. If they don’t give a space in the relationship for romance and flirtation, then your interest is bound to wane. Fortunately, it is something that can be worked on, as long as you have the commitment to continue betting on the relationship.

6. Very idealistic expectations

Finally, you are also likely to experience doubts in love because you have had very idealistic expectations. This, as we pointed out at the beginning, is influenced by cinema, romance novels, television series and in general by society.

A relationship is made up of romantic moments, of course, but not every relationship will be romantic 100% of the time.. There will be times for monotony, for dull moments and even for unpleasant situations. Believing that the relationship will be perfect, or idealizing our partner, inevitably leads to failure when we realize the reality.

What can you do if you have doubts in love?

The decision to continue in the relationship or not depends on you, as well as the reasons that have ignited the flame of uncertainty. However, here are some things you can do about it:

  • Reflect if the doubt is a pattern: This way you will be able to recognize if you have doubts with this relationship or with relationships in general. Also if doubt is part of your life, such as when shopping or making important decisions. If it is a pattern, it is a bigger problem, one that can also be solved.
  • Talk to your partner: If you have doubts in love, you should communicate it to your partner, and thus avoid hiding your fears, feelings or hunches. Through an open conversation they can discuss the reasons for these doubts and also seek a solution for them.
  • Be honest with yourself: The next thing you should do is be honest with yourself. If you no longer want to maintain the relationship for one reason or another, it will be better to assimilate it and avoid postponing the decision. You will only make yourself and your partner unhappy. If you decide to continue, then make the commitment and bet on strengthening the relationship.
  • Attend couples therapy: Finally, in case you want to continue the relationship but find yourself at a dead end, don’t be afraid to seek professional support. Therapy is very effective in treating these types of problems, as well as being a space for them to get to know each other and explore their strengths and weaknesses more.

Having doubts in love is legitimate. Don’t feel bad about it, although avoid burying them and pretending they aren’t there. Face them face to face to discover what is behind them and thus find a solution.

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