6 causes of fear of commitment in relationships
All people feel a certain fear when we meet someone who interests us, especially when the relationship can "go one more step." While some really enjoy taking that big step, there are those who go into "stage fright" and begin to boycott the relationship with excuses. Why is there the fear of commitment?
This situation has become quite common today. In fact, it is a common denominator of some people who are reluctant to formalize their relationship. Behind this behavior there are many possible causes, but also ways of dealing with it. Find out!
Characteristics of a person with fear of commitment
Before knowing what are the causes of fear of commitment, it is worth highlighting the main characteristics of the people who suffer from it. In this way, we can recognize if we are experiencing it and if we must take action to change it.
- They are elusive: If they are in a relationship and they see some indication to go one step further and move forward, they "run away" or invent some discussion to end it (the role of "leaveers"). There are others who prefer the relationship to stagnate and, by not showing interest, are the ones who end up "being dumped."
- They do not have good management of their emotions: They are unable to express how they feel and try to do something with it.
- They self-sabotage the relationship: they often wonder if the relationship is working well or if there could be something better. Therefore, they end up entangled and believing that perhaps they do not love their partner so much.
- They find it hard to think long term: They feel difficulties in projecting and betting on the growth of the couple.
- Changes cost them, especially abandoning previous roles.
- Hyperresponsibility: many people carry too many expectations and obligations to relationships. Consequently, it becomes like "a test to be solved" instead of being a pleasant time sharing. Having an attitude of hyper-responsibility and even of "support or provider / provider" of the relationship is overwhelming.
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Main causes of fear of commitment in couple relationships
Each person has their own stories and, from there, the fear of commitment can be explained. A priori, we could cite in a general way some of the causes that we mention below.
1. The idea you have about relationships
One of the main causes of fear of being compromised it has to do with the model of relationships that we have in our mind, or, with the relationship model that we have grown and that we take as a reference.
Many people grew up in environments with toxic and absorbing relationships. Because of this, they learn that that and only that is the way to relate.
2. Own experience
Sometimes the difficulty in connecting with commitment with others It is the result of a previous painful experience that we do not want to go through again. This, especially, if the experience had to do with a breakdown or grief over a relationship.
In this case, we operate through generalization, which takes us from one situation and extrapolates it to others, which will not necessarily be like this.
3. What we understand by commitment
Many times, we have a wrong image of commitment and we end up equating it to being left without freedom or drowning. We think in terms of loss, and not in the gains of sharing our interests or activities with others.
At this point, it is also interesting to go a step further and question the idea of romantic love that was unquestionably on the rise for a long time. It is certainly idealized and prescriptive about how relationships should be.
However, there is no single way to live and express love. In fact, it can take very different forms by virtue of the couple's relationship, which involves expectations, negotiation and agreement.
4. The fear of being hurt and suffering
Being in a couple implies sharing, but some people interpret this as "exposing themselves." It is to reveal our experiences, personal stories, projects and dreams. There are those who believe that this leaves us in a situation of vulnerability and, therefore, they prefer not to run the risk of suffering.
5. Because of the message we receive from society
It is important to recognize the role that context has today. In many areas, jokes are made about those who commit themselves and choose to be in a relationship. We receive many two-way messages, where those who are single are "idols", enjoy life or "have the world ahead."
Instead, it is often said that those who are in a relationship "are missing something." Of course, if we are surrounded by these ideas all the time, we will end up feeling confused and believing that enjoying and being with a partner are exclusive and incompatible options.
6. The eternal infatuation
Finally, there are also people who always want to live in the state of infatuation, that typical of the first months in which one meets someone. In this way, they jump from relationship to relationship, looking for that same initial adrenaline and chemistry, before stability.
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Recommendations to face the fear of commitment
Nor should we think of universal size solutions, since each person is unique and needs something particular. But the following tips for cope with the fear of commitment in relationships could be helpful.
To be honest
Sometimes this fear is just the excuse because we reject the commitment for a certain moment or in a certain relationship. Therefore, it is convenient to determine which is the real origin, if fear or disinterest. While the latter is a valid choice, when it comes to fear it paralyzes us and prevents us from enjoying ourselves.
It is important to promote spaces for fluid and sincere dialogue with the person we are interested in so that we can feel comfortable. We cannot expect her to understand for herself what we fear or when we are feeling overwhelmed. Surely, from these exchanges some agreements can arise so that both parties involved are well.
Disarm our ideas and beliefs
Encourage us to express our fears and to talk with the other person about what we want in a relationship, our concerns, fears, etc. Many times, it is easier to place the responsibility on someone else or on the commitment, rather than accept and work on its true source, that is, our thoughts.
Work on the management of emotions and social skills
On the one hand, it is important to learn to identify emotions, recognize when they arise and under what circumstances. Later, it is worth daring to question how functional they are for our wishes and goals.
You also have to develop social skills to be able to express to others how we feel. In this way, we can establish agreements and limits to get closer to healthier relationships that do not overwhelm us.
That the fear of commitment does not limit us
Although in this text we have referred to the commitment focused on the couple, It is worth mentioning that this fear can also occur at the workplace for example, refusing to participate in projects out of embarrassment to meet expectations or countless other excuses.
As long as "not committing" is based on a genuine decision and according to our wishes, the situation will be liberating and will make us feel comfortable. Now, when our desires are "at the mercy" of our fears, we lose the possibility of enjoying, growing and improving ourselves.
With these keys to taking care of your relationship, you will not only be able to keep the feeling of love alive, but also have a healthy relationship. Read more "